Spring Cleaning

Hi.

I wish I could say there has been some kind of life-altering change going on that has resulted in my being absent from writing, but I have no excuse.

I’ve just been hiding.

Not from anyone who may read this blog, but mostly from myself. I write as an outlet for my emotional state and to keep myself from going bonkers. Also, to gut check myself – by not writing, I’ve been able to pretend that I’m doing okay, when it’s very clear to everyone around me that I’m not….

I’ve been neglecting myself terribly the last 12-15 months. I’ve been too social (yes, that’s really a possibility for me) and too focused on work, school, and relationships. It’s not that any of those things aren’t important, but I’ve overlooked someone who is also important: me.

I made a promise to myself a few years back that no matter who or what came into my life, I’d alway make sure I love and take care of myself.

I’ve broken that promise. I’ve become critical of everything I do. I don’t feel like I’m a good enough friend, a good enough daughter, or a good enough professional. Heck, this morning I felt awful because I decided to leave the house, and my cat gave me this look like, “You’re leaving again? You’ve been gone all day, every day, for the last 10 days. I miss you.” Yep. In my mind, I’m also not a good enough cat owner.

Not good enough. The broken record in my head.

I’m not sure how to make it go away – other than to eliminate some of the things that make me feel that way. I’m scared to do this though; because if something/someone is important enough for me to care at all then it/they are probably very special to me. I don’t let people or things in very easily. However, I think it may be necessary to so some Spring cleaning so I can get back to being my best self.

I’ve already eliminated grad school. Online learning isn’t for me and I hated my classes. So, there’s one thing off my list. Next, I need to re-establish some boundaries with my employer. I will no longer work for free and they will have to ask my permission to schedule work-related activities they want me to attend outside business hours. Just because I don’t have a husband or kids doesn’t mean my free time isn’t valuable.

Last, I’m going to have to do the ol’ INFJ door slam on a few friendships. It’ll likely just be a screen door, I’ll still be around, but it’ become very clear to me that I value these other people much more than they value me. That’s not okay. I’m not going to continue to give 100% of myself only to have them only give me 25%. I show up, emotionally, physically, spiritually, so they need to do it too. The first rule of friendship is SHOW UP. I’d like to think these people will notice my absence, but they probably won’t. I’m going to have to make myself be okay with it and not feel rejected by people who are probably assholes.

Lastly, I’m going to remind myself that “No.” is a complete sentence in and of itself and it’s okay for me to use it. I don’t have to agree to do everything just because I’m asked, and I don’t have to give reasons for why I don’t want to participate. Sometimes I just don’t.

❤ Jax

31 Things I’ve Learned in My 31 years…or…A Quick and Dirty List of “Jacifestos”

So…hey there! It’s been a good, oh, eight months since I’ve written anything. I took a bit of a break from social media and I’ve slowly re-adding things. Blogging is the last to be added back into my life.

Also, after a while I sort of got into a weird funk and didn’t want to “talk” to anyone about myself anymore. I’m not sure I’ll ever be as forthcoming as I was just a year ago, but I do miss writing. And, I’m still a list maker, so why not return with a very long list (it’d be shorter, but I’m old and stuff. Sorry I’m not sorry.)

This post is inspired by my friend’s Older and Wiser post that she wrote in July in honor of her birthday.

There is nothing wrong with trying to improve yourself, but don’t forget who you are has nothing to do with appearances.
It’s not just a woman’s prerogative to change her mind. It’s everyone’s. The trick is to minimize hurting others when it happens.
People are seldom against you; they are just for themselves. It’s not about you.
No two people make chili the same way. I don’t care if you are using a recipe – it’ll be your own creation.
The opposite of love isn’t hate…it’s apathy. When you get to apathy, that’s when you can finally say you’ve “moved on” from being hurt.
Success is almost never a straight line…it is usually a big, tangled mess (kind of like my hair in the morning).
If someone is nice to you, but mean to a waitress/bartender/hostess they aren’t a nice person. They’re pompous. Run away. Fast.
Few things feel or smell as amazing as a fresh set of sheets.
Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, something unexpected with happen. It’s okay, it means you’re trying new things.
If you can find the humor in a difficult situation, you immediately win. And, it’s always there.
If something keeps happening to you, it’s because there is a lesson you’re missing. Stop and figure it out.
The biggest disservice you can do to yourself is to immediately write someone off because of their appearance. Some of the most interesting, loving, and true people in my life are also the ones that society wouldn’t consider “worthy” because of their looks.
Cyclones > Hawkeyes.
Feel stressed? Bake something. It’s a nice distraction and you (usually) get something yummy to eat.
Feel overwhelmed? Read something. It’ll remove you from the situation and you might even learn something.
Music makes housecleaning better.
Always say “yes” to peanut butter. Avoid tapioca.
Fail to plan, plan to fail…but remember, shit will still happen.
Everyone has a black-out drink. Mine’s whiskey (I’d be a horrible cowgirl or hipster).
It’s completely acceptable to wear a fancy dress with sandals, chucks, or riding boots. Do your thing.
You’ll know you have a best friend when you can have an entire conversation with them with facial expressions.
You’ll know a friend is family when they’ll drop everything to sit with you in the ER while you await emergency surgery.
There is nothing like family. Nothing. No matter how messy, white-trashy, loud, obnoxious, or quirky they may be, they are yours. And, they made you and you rock. So, they probably do too.
Economics is probably the most useful class that everyone sleeps through.
Everyone has a rhythm. I’m quieter and more reserved in the morning. Louder and more obnoxious in the afternoon. Sleepy in late afternoon. Wired/hyper at 9:00 PM (right when I should go to bed, of course). Find your rhythm and try to make your life work with it instead of against it.
Money is a means to an end…it should never be an end in itself. If you act like it is; that’s all you’ll have in the end.
Nonsense. Find it. Love it. Celebrate it. It’s proof that G-d has a sense of humor.
If you make yourself smile every time you see purple, you’ll start to look for purple. Deep down, you want to be happy.
Sometimes, a shitty beer and a board game with friends is the perfect way to celebrate a holiday.
Love is killing a spider for someone even when you’re silently freaking out inside.
If said spider falls behind my bed, I’ll sleep on the couch.

House Hunting: Des Moines (part one)…or…Why the hell am I still paying rent?

I’m 30, I’m single (for the most part), and I don’t have kids. A lot of people would look at that trifecta and think, “I’m so jealous! She can do whatever she wants! Be wild, be free, explore and go crazy! She’s got nothing tying her down.”

But, I’m kind of over that part of my life. Since I moved back to Iowa last summer, I’ve had the strong urge to finally settle down and make some permanent commitments. This is a big step for me, since I’m sort of commitment-phobe (something I didn’t realize until my late, late 20s).

I’ve always been a bit of a home-maker wanna be. I love cooking, decorating, and keeping house (I don’t particularly like cleaning up after other people, but whatever), and I’ve always wanted to make personal changes to any place I’ve lived. This hasn’t ever been an option, however, since I’ve always rented.

Why?

The part of the country I live in is one where I can buy a home for about what I’d pay for rent. In fact, if I bought a house in one of the smaller towns just outside of Des Moines then my payment would probably be less than what I pay for rent. I could have an entire three bedroom house for less than I pay for my one bedroom apartment.

From an investment perspective, this is an easy decision. I could pay a mortgage and own something, or pay someone else’s mortgage and earn nothing. Renting made sense when I wasn’t sure I wanted to stick around, but now that I’m kind of settled in Des Moines it doesn’t make sense.

So, I’ve set up the goal to buy a home this coming autumn. I’m in the very early stages of the process: paying off a couple small debts and saving for a down payment/closing costs. I’m looking a bit online to see what is on the market and where I will be able to get the best house for the money. I’m deciding on a budget (I’d like to keep my monthly payment close to what I currently pay for rent). I’m making lists of my nonnegotiables and negotiables.

Mostly, I’m just mentally preparing myself. I know for some people, buying a home is not a big deal, but for me, it’s the monetary equivalent of getting married. I don’t really believe in the concept of “starter” homes – I want a home that will work for me now, but will also work when I have a family 10 years from now. I’d rather buy something I love, take care of it, and then live there a long, long time. I’ve moved enough in my life, and, quite frankly, I’m over it.

I’m just starting this journey, but since I’m taking my time with it, I’ll be able to share the entire ride with all of you. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

What finally convinced you to “settle down”? What does that mean to you? Or, are you still wild and free?

Right now…

I’m loving having a “roommate” for the week. I’ve been going through some (private) stuff for the last few weeks, and having Micah’s company has been such a blessing.
I’m super proud of myself for all my DIY skills. I remade ANOTHER piece (well, technically pieces) of furniture tonight:
I’m excited for my planned splurge – I’m buying myself a digital SLR with my state tax return! Who hoo – a wish three years in the making!
I’m making myself be okay with the fact that I completely forgot to track my nutrition this week. Like I said, it’s been a rough couple weeks, and sometimes it takes everything you have just to stay afloat. Cooking and having dinner with friends all week has definitely helped me stay afloat.
I’m looking forward to tomorrow evening for drinks, hibachi, and music with friends. I’ve never had hibachi, but I’m excited for the experience.
I’m looking forward for a weekend in Fairfield with Briggs. I need a weekend getaway and it will be nice to focus energy on Briggs’ wedding instead of my own life.
My mind is going 1000 miles a minute. I can hardly focus to write anything, let along a blog post. This probably explains my lack of writing lately.
I’m relieved that “engagement season” is over.

I’m grateful for my mom. Without her, I’m pretty sure I’d be in the loony bin by now.
I’m grateful for my friends. Without them, I’m positive I’d be in the loony bin by now.
I’m exhausted and my bed is calling me. Goodnight.

2013: Balance

I’ve informally started a bit of a New Year’s tradition for myself – I come up with a short phrase to build my New Year’s resolutions around. My phrase for 2012 was “Go For It.” And, that’s what I did.

I thought it was going to be about making lots of goals and reaching them, but instead I think it ended up being even more important. In 2012 I learned some of the hardest lessons of my life. I teetered a lot, I fell a lot, and I somehow or other got myself up. Going for it in 2012 resulted in me trusting in some things and people who didn’t work out – but at least I gave them a chance. And, trusting at all is a huge step for me since I’m a cynic.

More importantly, I’m learning to trust myself again. I’m not completely there yet, but I’m getting there. Which brings me to my “theme” for 2013:

Find Balance:

small steps to big things // practice the 80/20 rule.

For me, this is reminding myself that I don’t have to go full-hilt at everything. I don’t have to be perfect; I don’t have to run a mile under 9 minutes; I don’t have to eat healthy 100% of the time; I don’t have to get straight As; I don’t have to work all the time. No, all I have to do is practice balance. I have to remember to give and take in my own life. I can get it all, but I can’t get it all at the same time. And, I must remember that I can reach all my goals, but I’ll probably need to break them down into smaller goals to get there.

This lead me to make a Pinterest board for 2013. I have seven sub-themes that I want to focus on with small goals for each month. The sub-themes are: finances, make, eat, wellness, career, style, and home. I’m currently only through April, but I probably won’t add more goals until March. I mean, a lot can change in a few months – 2012 proved that – so why make a bunch of goals for September when my life may have changed (again) by then? And, remembering that change is constant is part of finding balance – it’s easier to balance when you look a head a little, but not so much that you get lost. It’s easiest to balance when you walk slowly, and it’s far more difficult when standing or sprinting. I definitely learned that the hard way in 2012 – I tried to sprint but all that did was set me back and hurt me. I want to regain my balance, and, even if it’s slow, start moving forward again. Hopefully, I’ll also gain more trust in myself as I go.

If you had to make a “theme” for the next year, what would it be?

Secret Santa Swap

So, I failed at this swap thing. I mailed stuff and everything, but when it came to posting on December 28th for the official link-up I completely forgot. To be fair, I’ve had flu-like symptoms since the 18th (thus why I haven’t written at all since then) and yesterday was the first day I didn’t feel like an ogre.

Luckily, my swap partner, Meghan at Shine On did not forget me! In fact she hooked me up!

I got my package right after Thanksgiving, but I decided I’d wait until the first week of December to open it.

Girlfriend nailed it:

Knee socks, gloves (there was a green pair too, but I started wearing them before I took photos and promptly lost one – because that’s my curse), a snowman ornament, candies (there were candy canes too, but I used them in my tea, again before I remembered to take a photo – I fail).

Here’s a close-up of the ornament, it will look great on my tree next year (hopefully that tree will be in a house!).

And, I’m not going to lie, the socks are my favorite. I also got a pair of knee-high boots for Christmas that these are going to look FABULOUS with. Not to mention, knee socks that fit my super muscular calves are an amazing find. I’m so pleased.

Thanks again, Meghan, you really made my day!

Head on over to Eloping Stethoscope and see what all the other bloggers got!

5 for Five: 12.17.12

Let’s see how I did this week. Green = Success. Red = Failure.

4 workouts. I completed one. Yeah…no bueno.
Track six days. Heh. Not this one either.
Drink 64 oz of water each day. This was surprisingly easy. And, my headaches are getting better.
Get tax stuff gathered. I have everything sorted that I can to this point.
Read one book. I didn’t read anything. I need to get into the habit of reading before bed again. It really does help me sleep.

I had to fail at some of them so it’d look like Christmas. This was completely on purpose. Or something. Anyways…

This week:

70,000 steps (or the equivalent per my fitbit). Instead of focusing on working out, this week I’m going focus on just being more active. Period. Getting away from my desk to walk around at break, walking to the library at lunch, parking a little bit further away, and so on. I’ll have to work out some too, but instead of focusing on these little things, I’m going to focus on the big picture. I work so much better that way.
Track. I must track my food this week on myfitnesspal.com (find me: jaclynnejacijax). I don’t care if I go over my daily calories right now, I just need to get back into the habit of tracking my food and being mindful of my diet.
Figure out my new phone. I downgraded from a smart phone by my own volition. After having an iPhone for almost four years, I can’t figure out how to use a phone with buttons. Stop laughing.
Read one book. I’m keeping this on the list until I complete it.
Research. I have some major purchases planned for the next year or so. I want to have all my ducks in a row so I can make them all happen. I need to research my choices, research the prices, and then I can start really planning!

Do you have any goals this week before Christmas? I obviously don’t, but I’m sure there are a ton of you doing some last-minute Christmas things – share in the comments or hit the button and link up!

My Grown Up Christmas List

Yes, Blog Readers, there is a Santa Claus.

Santa is the spirit of giving and wishing and hoping and helping that lives in every single one of us. The good that every person has (yes, everyone, I don’t believe anyone is innately evil).

When my Gramma would ask me if I believed in Santa Claus, I said yes and I meant it. Then, it was because we had a hard and fast rule in our family of “If you don’t believe, then you don’t receive [your gifts].” Now, I mean it because I believe in the good of people. Even when I’m sad about the world and some of crappy things that happen in it, I remember that I believe in humanity and the good in people.

To quote Mr. Rogers:

Santa is caring. Santa is hoping. Santa is having the ability to dream and wish. So, with that in mind, I’ll write my 2012 wish list for Santa (some serious, some not):

I wish that anyone who has been separated from loved ones, whether my force or choice, find some peace.
I wish for a new Blu-Ray player with WiFi so I can watch Netflix and Hulu on my TV instead of my laptop.
I wish for a TV stand (my neck is starting to get a crick in it from looking down all the time).
I wish for a bit more financial stability so I can save to buy a home in the next year or so.
I wish for a “family of my own” so next year I won’t have to force myself to like the holidays.
I wish I were a little bit taller, I wish I were a baller…
I wish for a digital SLR camera. And classes to learn how to use the damn thing.
I wish good health for my mother and other family members (so I won’t worry so much).
I wish for the last three Harry Potter movies, because then I’ll finally have them all.
I wish for a new set of pots and pans (if they were the set at Kohl’s by Rachel Ray, I’d be all the happier).

What’s your grown-up Christmas list?

5 for Five: 12.10.12

Let’s see how I did this week. Green = Success. Red = Failure.

Run 14 miles. Heh. I think I got 7 miles in…to be fair, my knees are KILLING me right now and anything more than power walking makes me hobble the next two days. I may have to rethink my goal for this week.
Watch “Dr. Who: The Second Series”. I finished the final episode last night. I’m super bummed that it appears one of my favorite characters is not going to be in the show anymore, but I’ll get over it. Maybe.
Track. My goal was 7 days…I completed 5. Which is more than the previous week. I’m making progress.
Deep clean the bathroom. Done. I won’t go into the details.
Plan and execute my first holiday party! Decorations bought at the dollar store, guests invited (and it sounds like I’m going to have a pretty decent turnout). I’m calling it done, even though I’m sure I’ll have more things to throw together this week.

This weeks:

4 workouts.I’m going to copy my friend, Micah, and instead of doing miles this week, I’m going to focus on four cardio workouts. 2 interval runs of at least 3 miles, one 45 minute TurboJam workout, and one Jillian Michael’s Shred. If this doesn’t get me back on the train, I don’t know what will.
Track six days. Instead of striving for perfection, I’m going to strive for excellence. I can’t be perfect, but I can be excellent.
Drink 64 oz of water each day. I’ve been having a lot of headaches lately, and I’m thinking that maybe it’s because I’m dehydrated. I’m really going to focus on drinking a lot of water this week.
Get tax stuff gathered. I want to get a head start on my taxes this year, so I’m going to try to get my expenses all figured out this week.
Read one book. I used to do this every week…then I just…stopped. I need to get back into the habit. I took out “When Bad Things Happen to Good People” from the library since it’s been on my “To Read” list for quite a while.

What are your goals for the week? Join the link-up!

Ungrinching Myself: Holiday Memories

In my continued effort to not be complete, grumpy Grinch this year, I’ve been trying to make myself remember any good memories I had from childhood associated with the holidays – I thought it would be hard. I thought I’d only remember all the Christmases where I cried because someone in my family was mean to someone else in my family. And, to be fair, there was a lot of that, but I found some gems in there too:

Coming home to “Santa” gifts after Midnight Mass: Santa is pretty smart, he always knew exactly when Mom and I would be gone for mass and was pretty cool about delivering gifts while we were out. How many of you got to open gifts at 1:00 in morning?
Oyster Stew on Christmas Eve at Gramma and Grampa’s: I don’t like Oyster Stew. In fact, I hate oyster stew, so I usually ate chili, but I generally actually liked spending time with my family at this time (shocking, I know). We got along, no one fought (that I remember) and there wasn’t all that stupid pressure that goes along with gifts.
Gramma’s real tinsel: I love tinsel – the old-fashioned tinsel that came in strands and was super popular in the 50s and 60s. My Gramma did too – she rocked it. I loved getting to sprinkle it all over her tree. I need to bring it back – where do I get some of it?
Theme trees: my mom is very creative (I don’t fall far from the branch) and every year she’d spend some time making a new “theme tree” with things she’d collected on the cheap. One year, stuffed animals and Beanie Babies. Another, Where’s Waldo (possibly my favorite one, ever). It was always fun to see what she came up with each year.
Free Holiday Movies: the local movie theatre would have kid-friendly movies for free for the four weekends between Thanksgiving and Christmas. All kids (and their parents – G-d bless them), watching awesome movies (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Three Ninjas, and Home Alone are three that I can recall) and then there was a drawing for stuff local businesses had donated to give away to us! Oh, and Santa was there. While he was smart, I also thought he was weird (turns out he was my grampa, so I wasn’t wrong…).

What are some of your favorite holiday memories?